User blog comment:Angel Emfrbl/Some feed back/@comment-26078132-20151125022546/@comment-26078132-20151125143538

I completely understand the lack of confidence. I absolutely despise myself as a person, have less than zero self esteem, and could likely contribute some of my back problems to lack of confidence. (Haha, poor confidence = slouching...not actually my case, but...God my sense of humor sucks.) Recently, within the past I'd say 7 or 8 years, I finally started to develop some sense of confidence in regards to my own musicianship. That sounds like a lot of years, but I have as of now been taking piano lessons for 19 years, a good majority of my life. (Not going to state my exact age here, but I will say early 20's- not quite 31 yet, but regardless of one's age, 19 years is a long time.) I am not perfectly confident 100% of the time, but lack of confidence in my musicianship no longer hinders my work, or my ability to go forth with what I have to offer as a teacher and performer. A friend of mine from high school, a very talented bass player, once said to me when I was having a particularly rough day in a rehearsal: "You're not supposed to tell people you suck, even if you think you do. If you're not confident, that's okay, but it is something you should be trying to work on, especially a talented pianist like yourself. With confidence...you just have to kind of fake it, convince people you've got it, and you just might trick yourself into feeling it, too." Hearing that made a world of difference for me, and to this day is still something I remember when I'm feeling hopeless. Replace "pianist" with "artist", and my friend could be saying that to you, too. It sounds strange, faking confidence, but it's interesting to ponder, and see what it does...

Confidence alone of course will not guarantee work appearing or improvement of a final product, but it can open the senses to movement, as opposed to stagnation, in whatever it is.

Praise is tricky, because it can sometimes take on the illusion of being damaging as opposed to uplifting. It is important, in whatever field, to take praise the same way criticism is taken- case by case, and objectively, as well as subjectively. That piece you hated which the audience fawned over- it was good. That's why try liked it and praised it. That piece which you adored which the audience ignored- it most likely was also good. Just because it goes unnoticed or is not the general favorite does not dismiss it as a failure; for whatever reason, that other piece drew more interest to that given audience. Perhaps it was the mediums used for creation, or the color scheme, or the content may have held some personal meaning for them, which led them to favor it. With a different audience, it could have been reversed- the one you adored could have been favored. It is so hard to truly judge whether something is "good" or not, because different audiences will have different values and things they are seeking, both as individuals and as a whole.

As I said in my first essay, only you know when it's good for you and when it isn't. Obviously you knew the buearaucrat position was not good, so you left it. With art it should be the same way; if it's causing you damage and wasting your energy, then it's time to stop or take a break. If it is giving you energy or just keeping you occupied, whether it is useful to anyone else, then it is worth it to keep going.