User blog:Speedyblue/Coming Out

Some of you know me, and some of you don’t. For those who don’t, I am Speedy, a Youtaite and generally inactive user on the wiki, as of now at least...

I’ve been here for about 2 years, and it doesn’t even feel like that long. I’m still relatively new here, so, get to know me however you like. Anyways, while I was gone, something changed. But I should start with what happened before that. Way before that.

Recently, I changed my gender section to “Questioning identity”. It seemed so sudden, and I’m not surprised if you thought, “What the hell is this? Is she going through a crisis??” I kinda was...with no internet access on my phone, my PC, anywhere, really, I felt trapped and sad. I have few offline friends, so I felt lonely. But enough about that...let’s get to me being gay and stuff.

The first time I came into contact with the idea of homosexuality was when I was 6, maybe 7. My grandma referred to her buddies as “girlfriends”. At the time, I was only familiar with the term boyfriend/girlfriend as in “significant other”. I thought Grandma dated girls. One day, I randomly asked, “Is it okay to like other girls?”

My dad said “No,” and told me it was unnatural and considered a sin in the Catholic faith. I thought that answer was fine (I was 6!!). But I kept crushing on one girl. That phase faded out pretty quickly, though.

When I was 10, I got big on writing stories. I wasn’t scared to show my ideas to the whole class. The stories I wrote at that age were really embarrassing, but I was young! I knew what gay meant, and I wanted diversity in my story. I asked Mom, “Is it okay to have a gay character in my story?”

She said “No,” and said how gay people go to hell. I thought, “What’s up with that?” I thought gay was fine, but was it, really?

A couple of months later, I thought, “Whoa, I’m bisexual.” I didn’t tell anyone, because I thought it wasn’t that important. It was a me thing.

When I joined the wiki, I was open about being bi, and wasn’t scared to tell anyone. But in real life? Forget about it. It was (mostly) a secret.

A couple weeks before I suddenly vanished, I thought, “Wait!! Everything’s all wrong!!”

My breasts got bigger, and I’ve always hated my breasts from the beginning. I’ve wanted to be flat-chested, and to have a small butt. Most people don’t find that attractive, but I didn’t like my breasts. And periods were the worst!! I hated it all! I started questioning my gender identity after that. “Am I a boy? A girl? Or non-binary?”

Suddenly, my mom found my messages on Discord. I was alone again...until...

I started figuring out the emails of my friends by what they put out on Google Drive. There was one person I kept talking to about my gender dysphoria. Their name was Kai (with a star. seriously don’t call them Kai without a star), but I called them Kai-chan.

Kai is non-binary, and super cool! I love them so much! They are a great singer/rapper, but they also answered all my questions. We’ve had the same experience, so we weren’t alone. Except...

I had no school friends who felt the same way. I wanted someone my age to talk to. Kai and I are a decade apart, and they made fun of me for being a fetus (old man).

I went to my school’s drama club, where the queers live. I’ve met up with a friend I’ve had since the fifth grade. I told her through a text that I thought I was non-binary. She told me she felt the same, and that one of our friends is trans. I was no longer alone! I felt so happy. I kept emailing, and I became more open with my friends.

And then...

Mom found the emails. I knew it would happen. I just knew it. She got really angry with me. “It’s wrong to be gay!!”

She made fun of me for thinking I was non-binary. I felt so sad...

“Do you think you’re a boy? Or neither gender? You’re a girl! You have girl parts!!”

I hate those words. I hate them so much.

Mom put a tracking device on my email, so if I tried to sign in somewhere else, NOPE! Back to the starting board! It never worked...

And then...I figured out my identity. I am androgynous.

I never really got to get back with my friends, with one exception. Will Mom find this post? Maybe. But she needs to not be stubborn. There is something we all manage to forget when we discriminate and bully.

“We are all people.”

Who cares about what you are? You do you. I find you perfect and beautiful. Keep being yourself.

It’s not really a good story, but it’s my story. I’m hoping I can have a sex change from female to male...I think I’d enjoy that much better.

I wanted to get it off my chest. If you made it this far, thank you for listening. I appreciate it. <3