User blog:TenshiAkari12/So... yet another boo-hoo worthy blog post.

My grandmother passed yesterday.

... Like I said over in the "what's on your mind thread" I'm kind of all over the place right now emotionally and bottling it internally, though out of all the major emotions of grief, I haven't been able to actually cry about her death. Part of it is probably because I cried enough while she was suffering through her illness for the past several months, and the fact that she's finally in another place and out of her pain and sadness that she's been feeling ever since... it relieves me. The other is that when it seemed like she couldn't rembember who I was when her mindstate deteriorated, it had already felt like I had lost her at that point, and most of my grieving took place during that time period. That, and looking back on the type of person she was, she wouldn't want me or anyone else in my family dwelling on her no longer being there.

It still feels sort of lonely knowing she's no longer here physically, though... but at least I know she's reunited with the close friends and family members that have gone on before her, and I couldn't possibly wish for it to be any other way. :-)

Now the only thing I'm worried about is the possibly inevitable destruction of what little family dynamic that's left between her remaining children and their families... not everyone is on the best of terms, and a lot of pent up resentment from misgivings in the past are still lingering which keep everyone from being able to stay around each other for but so long. I think if there's really anything for me to grieve about, it's that this very well may be the last time any of them get together for any reason... and for some of them, that includes each others' funerals... it feels more like my vision of "family" has died, and it's painful to know that no matter what's said and done, there are still relatives that aren't willing to budge on changing their ways, much less feel like they have to forgive each other.

What can I say? It's not like this isn't something that happens in every large family... but sometimes, I really wish my family would have been an exception and been able to get along, just by talking to each other and be more empathetic to one another in terms of how they feel... it would really be a miracle if it were able to happen at this point, but now that Grandma's gone, I don't see it ever happening... at least, with our parents' generation.

So, I might be ducking out/stepping back for about a week or so once the weekend is over, just to clear my head some and find out what to do from here on out, now that I don't have to worry about sitting in anymore. That, and I've found a little bit of work for the summer so, I probably won't be on as much regardless. (At least, not until the afternoons in my area.)

To sum it all up, I'll be fine so long as there's nothing that happens to rub me the wrong way. I just need to work my thick skin back up so I can handle the internet without resorting to potential back-bites on my end. So more than likely, I won't be away for but so long. :-)